... plus I could just lap up anything that had been spilled on the floor!

Teen Girl: ... I was soooo drunk. I couldn't even stand. So I just crawled around on the floor looking for change so I could buy some more drinks.

-overheard in a wendy's

Why did the drunk guy cross the road?

Noticeably Drunk Guy: ... well, I'll admit I'm a little drunk. But I blame the creator. Because I'm BALD! (laughs hysterically) [he's not bald]

Noticeably Sober Guy: ...

NDG: Hey, a joke, a joke. Why did the pygmy cross the, uh, cross the road?

NSG: I don't know. Why?

NDG: Because he wanted to commit suicide! (laughs hysterically. Then, suddenly serious) Do you want to come have a beer with me?

NSG: No thanks, I don't drink.

NDG: (look of disbelief) What...?

-overheard in west broadway