Very Seductive

Seductress: I'm going to text-message seduce him
Friend: Does he have a cell phone?
S: Yeah, I saw him on it
F: He has kind of a lisp
S: Yeah, he talks like a homo
F: He looks like a homo.
S: He looks like he needs to put his genitals inside me. And I'm going to let him.

-overheard on broadway

No, it's the big nose that makes you look like a velociraptor.

Female student to another, while pulling up her hood before going out in the rain:

Are you sure this doesn't make me look like a velociraptor?


- overheard at U of W

The Pants are Strong in this one

Brunette Girl: Have you had that sub, you know the one with the short dark hair?
Blonde Girl: Is she Chinese?
Guy: She (points to another girl) has dark hair, that doesn't make her Chinese.
Blonde Girl: Isn't your mom Chinese?
Guy: No she has big eyes. Do I look Chinese?
Girl Who Isn't Chinese: The sub who always wears pants, really really tight pants?
Exchange Student: Is it unnormal to wear pants every day?
Brunette Girl: Yeah, that's the one.

--overheard in band room, after school

-thanks to claire for the submission

I can't answer, I'm holding my breath

I live my life trying to avoid contact with bus crazies. But a bus crazy got on the 16 this morning, and, naturally sat down right beside me, event hough there were many completely empty seats on the bus. Why I attract these people is one of life's mysteries.

Bus Crazy: (gesturing to passing cemetary) HEY! Guess how many dead people are buried there!
Me: (Does he want a number? A guesstimate? Will he pull a knife out from under his parka and still my throat if I don't answer--?) I...uh...I...don't know...
Bus Crazy: All of them!
Me: What?
Bus Crazy: They're all dead! Ha! I heard that joke when I was five years old and it gets 'em every time!
Me: Heh. All of them. (I flip open my cell phone and start busily entering a long sequence of random numbers. After a couple of minutes he gets up and goes to visit somebody else.)

-overheard on the 16


thanks to dogen for the contribution

It's not illegal, just taboo!

Drunken Golfer: ... hey, HE's the guy who said he checks out his cousin's ass!
Drunken Golfer #2: I do not! ... She's totally hot! ... seriously, she's a fitness model!

-overheard on the 60

Hey m@, tell us more!

From the Weirdos Mailbag. This was a comment, but I think it deserves to be a post.

I submit for your approval, the frail guy outside The Bay Vaughan doors who shouts "I can't afford anything!" to every single person who passes by.

WoW vows to send a spy to Vaughan and investigate.

-thanks to m@ for the comment

I mean, I'm not sure that's even anotomically possible...

Two young women are on a plane. One of them has just gotten dumped by text msg and is wondering what to do about it.

Friend: Wait till you're off the plane and text him "fuck you and your glass eye!"

They laugh for a good 5 minutes.

Dumpee: ...but, i dont get it...


-overheard on a flight into winnipeg


thanks to mts (M The Stewardess) for the contribution

Sorry

May we direct your attention to our standard "lull" post?

That's WHY I'm hitting you!

Guy: ...and I said "Stop hitting me, I just shaved my knees!"

-overheard on the #11

Actually, it was Thursday.

While standing at the intersection of Broadway and Osborne, I watched a man dash across the road against traffic. The lights were just changing, so the SUV he cut off was stuck at the red light afterward.

The guy in the SUV shouted out his window:

Manly, manly, SUV guy: Hey @#$*er! Watch where the @#$* you're going!
Manly, manly, jaywalker: @#$% you.
SUV: (gets out of his car) What the @#$% did you say to me?
Jay: @#$% you, man!
SUV: Why the @#$% did you run in front traffic like that, @#$%er?
Jay: (shrug) Why not? It's Saturday.
SUV: (getting back into his car as the lights change) Next time I'll run you down.
Jay: Do it! I'll sue!
SUV: (drives off yelling) @#$@er @#%ing @#$@head ##$face @$#%@^% !!
Jay: (walks off yelling) @#!$wipe $!@sucker @#%$er @*^ing %*!!#bag!!!

Football team orgy or grow-op?

Jock: ... so they're searching all over campus, but we're all in the same elevator shaft!


-overheard at u of m

Secretly I do care

Buttons now available in the store. Check it out!

Or don't. See if I care.

Let me get this straight: an apple is a bean, like a tomato, but a peanut is a plant?

Expert in Logic: ... it's like and apple and a peanut... it's like a peanut and an apple ... it's like a peanut. It's like, I say a peanut ... it's like, you say a peanut is a legume and I say no it's a plant. Well technically it is a plant, but ... I mean, you say it's a legume and I say it's a bean. Or I mean, a nut. Well technically it is a legume, but ... it's like a tomato. It's like, you say a tomato is a fruit and I say it's a vegetable. Well it is a fruit, but it tastes like a vegetable, you know? It's like, I don't care if I'm wrong as long as you understand me.

-overheard on the #60

Winnipeg by-law 6942/07

Girl: If you're a bitch, you can't get mad when someone punches you in the face.

-overheard in a bus shelter on osborne

Does that make you a BusSlut?

Pink-haired Teen: You've never been on the bus before? Oh my God, we totally stole your bus virginity!

-overheard on the 66