Reindeer Games

Hairy the Dog Man was—in his habitual way—walking down the street puffing on his pipe. With him were, as usual, his two white fluffy dogs. Both were dressed in Christmas sweaters, with wings attached to them, and wearing reindeer antlers.

"On Dasher! On Dancer" cried Hairy. He looked at me and, in an explanatory way added, "they shrunk in the wash."

... I've actually been selling crack.

Nice Girl: Hey, I haven't seen YOU in a long time! What are you up to these days?
Stoner: Selling acid.
Nice Girl: Oh...
Stoner: Heh. Just kidding.

-overheard on the 16

Gratefully Blonde?

Hairy the Dog Man is a thin man who is often seen walking down the street in West Broadway. He is rail-thin, has long hair, a full beard and looks like an aging hippie. He usually puffs ponderously on a pipe, while walking very slowly.

With him he has two small white fluffy toy dogs; possibly bichon frisés or toy poodles. Sometimes the dogs are running freely at his feet, and sometimes he is carrying one or both of them.

He's like a strange cross of Jerry Garcia and Elle Woods.

I suppose it's always nice to be appreciated

I was sitting on the bus, absorbed in a book.

A group of high school girls got on, and sat next to me. After a few minutes, one of them reached out her hand and stroked my hair.

Overly Friendly Girl: You've got really nice hair!
Me: Um ... thanks. (inches slightly away from her)

-overheard on the 66

Sound sketchy to me

Student: Hey, that's like the sketchiest Subway in the world. If you go in there at 3am you'll find, like the sketchiest people in the world.
Studette: ... why would you want to go to Subway at 3am?

No, not really.

Mr. Thirsty: Hey, do I look short to you?
Guy: Um... you're shorter than me...
Mr. Thirsty: How tall, would you say?
Guy: About... 5'3?
Mr. Thirsty: Really? I feel about three feet tall.
Guy: No, you're a lot taller than that.
Mr. Thirsty: Really? Really?

Can I get you anything else?

Mr. Thirsty: Hey, can you get me a drink?
Young Man: Um... I don't think so
Mr. Thirsty: I mean, not booze or anything, just a drink.
Young Man: Um... okay, sure.

A few minutes later the young man comes back and gives Mr. Thirsty a bottle of water and a bottle of apple juice.

And that ugly guy over there, did his face get stuck like that?

A dwarf gets on the bus.

Tactless Child: How come that lady is just a little lady?
Mother: ...
Tactless Child: Did she not eat her vegetables?

Wee-One Weirdo Weekends

Well, it's the weekend and you know what that means!

Yes. THEY are the weird ones

I walked around the corner and came across a sk8er boi rummaging through a dumpster. He tore open a black garbage bag, pulled out what seemed to be an empty kleenex box. He looked at me and smiled. "People throw out the weirdest things!"

There's only one of me

Druggie: Hey, do you guys like raves? Do you guys wanna score some e?
Solitary Guy: Uh... no thanks.

overheard: on portage

Because not everybody likes Dick.

Co-worker #1: Hey, check out this guy's name: Rich Husband
Co-worker #2: Haha! Why wouldn't he go by Richard?
Co-worker #3: Why wouldn't he go by Dick?

-overheard in a downtown office

You forgot the "nice shoes" part

Cougar: Hi
Twentysomething Guy: Hi
Cougar: Wanna f***?
Twentysomething Guy: (pretends not to hear)
Cougar: ...just kidding.

overheard: in an alley near broadway

Hiccoughs, tourette's or an escaping demon?

I was reading a book riding the bus, sitting near the back. Behind me was a normal looking woman of about 40, and a normal looking young woman of about 19. A normal looking man of about 30 was sitting to my right and there were various other people scattered throughout the bus.

Suddenly, from behind me I heard a noise.

It sounded like someone with reverse hiccoughs yelling "BHEP!" while gasping. I turned around and the 40s woman was smiling. The young woman looked a little weirded out.

"BHEP!!!" yelled the 40s woman.

I turned back to my book.

overheard: on the #29

Now repeat this experiment with a glowing element on your stove

Man: (looking at the freshly tarred road) Hey, look the road's steaming.
(leans down and holds his hand over the road) And it feels warm!
(touches the road) OW! IT'S HOT!

witnessed: on broadway

Weekend Wee-One Weirdos

Well it's the weekend, and you know what that means!

It's a lot whiter than the brown one

Little Boy: (upon seeing the white buffalo at the zoo) It's not THAT white.

overheard: at the assiniboine park zoo

Sorry, sorry

Sometimes, we lag. Sometimes, we experience a lull. We apologize to our loyal readers when this happens. We really have no excuse.

However.

If you want to see more updates, more quotes and more stories, if you want commentaries upon weirdos from throughout the city instead of only Osborne and West Broadway, if you want to feel the thrills that come with publication, then submit your own stories, quotes and description of weirdos in your neighborhood.

Please tell us approxomately where in the city this weirdo is from, and let us know if you want to be credited, and if so, by what name. We won't necessarily publish everything, but we will publish most things, although we reserve the right to edit your submissions for content and style.

Do it for yourself. Do it for the children. Do it so we never have to suffer the heartbreak of a lull again.

weirdosofwinnipeg@gmail.com (or just comment somewhere, and mention that it's intended as a submission rather than a comment)

Wait... where is it going?

A man and a woman are walking down the street and they see a hobo.

Man: This neighborhood is going to the dogs.
Woman: ... what?
Man: This neighborhood is going to the dogs.
Woman: What?
Man: This neighborhood is going to the dogs.
Woman: WHAT?
Man: This neighborhood is going to the dogs.
Woman: WHAT?
Man: This neighborhood is going to the dogs.
Woman: Oh... yeah, it is.
Man: That's an old expression. You know... "This neighborhood is going to the dogs."
Woman: Oh yeah.

overhead: in west broadway

It's been ten years. You can stop wearing the t-shirts now.

I've got bad news.

The Jets have left Winnipeg.

And they aren't coming back.

Is that a serious question?

Dolt: (staring hard at a box of Frosted Cheerios) So... do these come with milk or not?

overheard: in a corner grocery store

That's not all she stepped in

Two very small children are playing on the street.

Little Boy: You stepped in the lava! You stepped in the lava! You stepped in the lava!
Little Girl: (bewildered) I'm okay!

overheard: in south osborne

Weirdo Weekend Wee-Ones

Well it's the weekend, and you know what that means!

No, actually, you don't, because we've never done this before. Starting now, weekends are a time for children.

Unless we don't have anything good, in which case we'll just take the weekend off. See this post for more.

As in ghosts, or alcohol?

Okay, so this is not really Winnipeg, but rather Manitoba as a whole. Still...

Manitoba has changed it's official motto/logo/slogan from "Friendly Manitoba" to "Spirited Energy". Reactions across the province have been mixed.

How are those three things related?

Little Old Lady: What year was that bus from, 1860? It's so small! And then they complain about not having any customers!
Woman: ... yeah.

overheard: at a 29 bus stop

I think that's Winnipeg's new official motto

Tourist: What is that smell? It smells exactly like Mexico!

overheard: on the riverwalk

But he's got a great personality

Flameshirt the Shadow Dweller has been mysteriously transformed into Noshirt the Sunlight Dweller. Yeesh.

Quick poll

Winnipeg is no longer the murder capital of Canada. That honour has been stolen by Edmonton.

But buck up, Winnipegers! Winnipeg is still the Slurpee capital and the car theft capital.

So...

Would you steal a car just to get a slurpee? Yes! I love slurpees! No! I would only steal a car to get the CAR. Free polls from Pollhost.com

Children are Weird

A small child takes off her sock, then throws it on the floor of the bus.

Garbage-bag Man: Hey, the little girl... dropped her... thing.
Young Woman: (hands the sock back to the child)
Small Child: (puts the sock in her mouth)

This is what military scientists call "escalation"

The bus stops for a moment on the train tracks.

GunsN'Roses fan: You think a bus is big, but look at a train! What takes out a train? Two trains. And what takes out two trains? A Nuclear bomb!

-overheard on the 15

And I'm not even going to BRING you to Sobey's

A small child in a grocery store knocks some stuff over.

Father: Hey! You can wreck things at Superstore, but not here. This is Safeway. It's nice.

overheard: in osborne village safeway

I'm ... getting some mixed messages here

Small Child: (singing) He's bad every day
But he's good every day.
He's always good
But he's bad all the time...

-overheard: in a grocery store

I ... don't believe you.

White guy walks into a bar with a hand full of poop and says: "Hey fellas, look at what I almost stepped in."

True story.

-from the WoW mailbag

Allcaps means yelling.

Yappy the Aggressively Cheerful Woman: HEY DO YOU HAVEANYSPARECHANGE?
Grumpy Man: NO!!!
Yappy: MAYBEONTHEWAYOUT??!
Grumpy Man: SHUT UP!!

This wouldn't happen if we had rapid transit

A punk teenager gets on the bus.

Driver: Hey, you're short fifteen cents here.
Punk: I'm a student.
Driver: Let's see your student card.
Punk: I don't have it here, but I'm a student, man!
Driver: I'm not moving until you pay the full fare!
Punk: I'm not getting off the ****ing bus.
Driver: Well I'm not moving!

[pause]
[pause]
[pause]

Man from the back of the bus: (walks deliberately to the front of the bus)
Driver: No, I want HER to pay!
Punk: Don't do it, dude, he's just on a ****ing power trip!
Man: (throws fifteen cents in) Go. (walks back to his seat)

Bus pulls away.

Right... I forgot about the special exception for taxpayers.

Disgruntled Library Patron: I am a taxpayer and I live in this neighbourhood, and I've been coming to this library for 30 years. The rules shouldn't be so rigid for me.



overheard: river heights library

Don't you know your manners yet?

Tiny Toothless Native Lady: Gimmie some of your ice cream cone!
Young Woman: No, it's mine.
Lady: Gimmie! (attempts to grab it out of the woman's hand)
Woman: (pulling her hand away) NO! (runs away)

Sorry, I'm cheapophrenic

Panhandler: (to her the person on her left) Do you have any spare change? Sorry! I'm schizophrenic. (immediately turns to the person on her right) Do you have any spare change?

overheard: outside of portage place mall

Warning: Alcohol may impair your colour judgement

A man and a woman, both drunk are walking very fast down the sidewalk. The man is farther ahead, leans forward, staggers towards an un-drunk woman, smiles and makes a grunt. The drunk woman, speed walks past screaming.

Drunk Woman: He just did that because you're and ****ing blonde and he wants to sleep with you! I'll beat the **** out of you first!

Un-drunk Woman: Well actually, I'm a brunette.

The other word that rhymes with Regina...

Business type-man: Regina? I call it Angina cause it hurts so much to go there.

overheard: in cityplace mall

Just remember, the clerk does not know the combination to the safe

Old Drunk: What do you have in the bag? A million dollars?

Middle-Aged Drunk: Nah, I'm going to the pharmacy to GET a million dollars!

Kill Nemo?

I was walking down the street, and came across two people talking. A young woman and a young man wearing a "Kill Bill" t-shirt, featuring a blood stained sword and a severed head. As I got close enough, I heard the young man say "... I can't even stand to watch fish die..."

Because you got free chips?

In a corner grocery store, a woman holds up a 3/4 empty bag of chips.

Woman: ...don't you think your store shouldn't be selling this stuff?
Female Cashier: I told you my manager is coming.
Woman: Yeah, but don't you think I should get something for this? I mean, they're expired. And I bought some popcorn from here before that was bad... I dunno how long ago that was...
Female Cashier: *silently glares*

Enter manager.

Woman: Look! I bought these chips here and they expired in 05.
Manager: That's a 6.
Woman: No, no, it's a five. Why would I lie about this? Why would I lie?
Manager: I don't see how it's possible we'd even have chips that old, but I'll give you a new bag.
Woman: I wouldn't lie about this! Why would I lie... I wouldn't lie...
Manager: okay then...

But it's only 7:30! The sun's still out!

My wife and I bought roller blades at Value Village recently, and we wanted to test them out. So we went roller blading around our neighbourhood. In the course of our excursion, we passed by Flameshirt the Shadow Dweller. We stopped to rest on the steps, and FSD stepped out of the shadows to talk to us.

FSD: There was someone killed in this neighbourhood. Just a few days ago.
US: Yeah, well...
FSD: And there was a murder just around the corner before that.
US: Well, Winnipeg is Canada's Murder Capital.
FSD: You shouldn't be out late. Returns to the shadows from whence he came.
US: ... thanks for the tip.

Meet the Weirdos

Broadway Bizarros

Flameshirt the Shadow Dweller: A creepy old man with (apparently) only one shirt who likes to hang out in the shadows of one of the apartment buildings in West Broadway.
FSD's appearances: 1, 2

Hairy the Dog Man: A greatly bearded, long haired man with one pipe and two toy dogs.
Hairy's appearances: 1, 2

Buster the Disowned Rankin Brother: A cheerful panhandler often seen at Osborne and Broadway, who sings loudly and mumbles incoherently.
Buster's appearances: 1

Osborne Oddities

The Penis Man: A panhandler in Osborne Village who is often accompanied by his very drunk sidekick. Got his name when he claimed that he needed money for a penis reduction.
The Penis Man's appearances: 1

Yappy the Aggressively Cheerful Woman: A panhandler in Osborne Village who often sat outside Movie Village, and cheerfully (but aggressively (hence the name)) asked passers by: Gotanysparechange? Maybeonthewayout?
Sadly, she passed away in fall, and the city was deprived of a little bit of its colour.
Yappy's appearances: 1, 2

Exchange Eccentrics

Mr. Thirsty: A discheveled looking man in his mid-to-late forties spotted from time to time in the Exchange District.
Mr. Thirsty's appearances: 1, 2

Distinctive Downtowners

B.G.: A frail,intense-looking man of around 80 whose initials really are B.G.
B.G.'s appearances: 1, 2

Miscellanious Mischief-makers

The Pig-Man: A Fort Gary resident whose turned up nose, pointed ears and beady eyes apparently make him resemble a pig. There has been some skeptism expressed in the comments as to the actual existance of the Pig-Man, but the original submitter of the story is adament that it is true.

Bus Crazies

These weirdos deserve a class all by themselves. They defy geographical classification (and alliteration). Ever been on a bus and notice that the person sitting in front of you is talking a little too excitedly? To no one? Ever see someone get into a screaming match with the driver over 5 cents? Then you know who I'm talking about.

Crazy Kids

We used to do this feature where we had children's quotes on weekends. We don't do that anymore, but you can still read the ones that there are from, you know, the past.

The Trike Guy

Rough looking dude with long hair, handlebar mustache, etc, who drives around the city on what is clearly a homemade motertricycle.

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Panhandler in Osborne Village: Hey, can you spare some change? Got any spare change? Help a guy out? Got some spare change?

[People walk by ignoring him. Then a man walks by with a case of full beer bottles]

Panhandler: Uh, hey man. Got a spare beer?

[Beer man walks past him, then stops. He reaches into his case of beer and pulls out a bottle, walks back and gives it to the panhandler]

Beer man: Here you go.
Panhandler: Whoa! Thanks man! Thanks!

Is That Some Kind of Ephemism?

Standing on the sidewalk across the parking lot from the Home Street Burger King, a man begins to scream and perform some kind of dance: "WOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO! Show me the Whopper! Show me the Whopper! I'm the pure-blood-Indian-man! Showwww meeee the Whoppppper!"

Breaking the third commandment

I was waiting for a bus downtown. A young man asked me if I knew when the 21 express or the 24 was coming. An 11 was sitting right there but he didn't want to take it because it was too crowded. He said he just couldn't stand on the bus. He repeated these facts a few times.

I began to suspect that he was a little unusual.

He continued: "I just can't stand on the bus, because when I lose my balance, I lose my temper and I take the Saviour's name in vain."

I nodded understandingly.

Then he said: "Not that it would matter, not that it matters, because I'm not a devout Christian. I'm not a devout Christian." He went on to say this a few more times.

I nodded again, sympathetically.

Meanwhile, of course, I was thinking "If you're not a devout Christian, why would it even occur to you that you were 'taking the Saviour's name in vain?' Did your mother tell you that? What's the story behind this?!" I said nothing.

We made some chit-chat about buses, and the weather, and where he was headed. Then he got on the 21 and left.

No, I don't want to see it.

Panhandler: Do you have any change? I need money... My old lady kicked me out... I need money for a penis... reduction... it's too big and she kicked me out... she said not to come back until...
Guy: no.

Spot the Weirdo

Two average looking white men are sitting at a bus stop. A native man in regalia walks up to them.

Native man: Excuse me, but do you have...
White guy: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! ASK ANYONE! I'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY! I have nothing for you I won't give you any money I've been here all day ask anyone (wanders off, muttering) I don't have any money for you. Leave me alone. I've been here all day...
Native man: ... the time?
Sane white guy: It's 1:30.

Me neither

One-legged woman: I was told yesterday that I look 16, but I just turned 57! Does that make sense to you?
Perlexed young man: Not to me, no.

The worst part is the grading afterward

Wizzing Weirdos 2

Walking down the alley in the darkness. Suddenly, out of the darkness came a nonchalant whistling.

Which immediately drew my attention to a man. A man peeing against the wall.

If he hadn't whistled, I would never have noticed him.

Wizzing Weirdos

I went downstairs to take out the garbage and the recyling and there was a guy peeing on the side of the building next to ours. When he saw me he apologized to me in a cheerful, jovial, friendly kind of way.

Him: Hey, sorry man!
Me: ...
Him: She (side note, there was no "she" anywhere I could see) told me to pee before I left the house (as he zips up and walks toward me) but I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THEN!
Me: ...
Him: So, it's okay, right?
Me: *runs back to my apartment*