Thursday, June 29, 2006

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Panhandler in Osborne Village: Hey, can you spare some change? Got any spare change? Help a guy out? Got some spare change?

[People walk by ignoring him. Then a man walks by with a case of full beer bottles]

Panhandler: Uh, hey man. Got a spare beer?

[Beer man walks past him, then stops. He reaches into his case of beer and pulls out a bottle, walks back and gives it to the panhandler]

Beer man: Here you go.
Panhandler: Whoa! Thanks man! Thanks!

Is That Some Kind of Ephemism?

Standing on the sidewalk across the parking lot from the Home Street Burger King, a man begins to scream and perform some kind of dance: "WOOOOO! WOOOOOOOO! Show me the Whopper! Show me the Whopper! I'm the pure-blood-Indian-man! Showwww meeee the Whoppppper!"

Breaking the third commandment

I was waiting for a bus downtown. A young man asked me if I knew when the 21 express or the 24 was coming. An 11 was sitting right there but he didn't want to take it because it was too crowded. He said he just couldn't stand on the bus. He repeated these facts a few times.

I began to suspect that he was a little unusual.

He continued: "I just can't stand on the bus, because when I lose my balance, I lose my temper and I take the Saviour's name in vain."

I nodded understandingly.

Then he said: "Not that it would matter, not that it matters, because I'm not a devout Christian. I'm not a devout Christian." He went on to say this a few more times.

I nodded again, sympathetically.

Meanwhile, of course, I was thinking "If you're not a devout Christian, why would it even occur to you that you were 'taking the Saviour's name in vain?' Did your mother tell you that? What's the story behind this?!" I said nothing.

We made some chit-chat about buses, and the weather, and where he was headed. Then he got on the 21 and left.

Monday, June 26, 2006

No, I don't want to see it.

Panhandler: Do you have any change? I need money... My old lady kicked me out... I need money for a penis... reduction... it's too big and she kicked me out... she said not to come back until...
Guy: no.

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Spot the Weirdo

Two average looking white men are sitting at a bus stop. A native man in regalia walks up to them.

Native man: Excuse me, but do you have...
White guy: I DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY! ASK ANYONE! I'VE BEEN HERE ALL DAY! I have nothing for you I won't give you any money I've been here all day ask anyone (wanders off, muttering) I don't have any money for you. Leave me alone. I've been here all day...
Native man: ... the time?
Sane white guy: It's 1:30.

Me neither

One-legged woman: I was told yesterday that I look 16, but I just turned 57! Does that make sense to you?
Perlexed young man: Not to me, no.

Friday, June 23, 2006

Thursday, June 22, 2006

Wizzing Weirdos 2

Walking down the alley in the darkness. Suddenly, out of the darkness came a nonchalant whistling.

Which immediately drew my attention to a man. A man peeing against the wall.

If he hadn't whistled, I would never have noticed him.

Wizzing Weirdos

I went downstairs to take out the garbage and the recyling and there was a guy peeing on the side of the building next to ours. When he saw me he apologized to me in a cheerful, jovial, friendly kind of way.

Him: Hey, sorry man!
Me: ...
Him: She (side note, there was no "she" anywhere I could see) told me to pee before I left the house (as he zips up and walks toward me) but I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THEN!
Me: ...
Him: So, it's okay, right?
Me: *runs back to my apartment*