Monday, July 31, 2006

Quick poll

Winnipeg is no longer the murder capital of Canada. That honour has been stolen by Edmonton.

But buck up, Winnipegers! Winnipeg is still the Slurpee capital and the car theft capital.


Would you steal a car just to get a slurpee?
Yes! I love slurpees!
No! I would only steal a car to get the CAR.
Free polls from

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Children are Weird

A small child takes off her sock, then throws it on the floor of the bus.

Garbage-bag Man: Hey, the little girl... dropped her... thing.
Young Woman: (hands the sock back to the child)
Small Child: (puts the sock in her mouth)

Saturday, July 29, 2006

This is what military scientists call "escalation"

The bus stops for a moment on the train tracks.

GunsN'Roses fan: You think a bus is big, but look at a train! What takes out a train? Two trains. And what takes out two trains? A Nuclear bomb!

-overheard on the 15

Friday, July 28, 2006

And I'm not even going to BRING you to Sobey's

A small child in a grocery store knocks some stuff over.

Father: Hey! You can wreck things at Superstore, but not here. This is Safeway. It's nice.

overheard: in osborne village safeway

Thursday, July 27, 2006

I'm ... getting some mixed messages here

Small Child: (singing) He's bad every day
But he's good every day.
He's always good
But he's bad all the time...

-overheard: in a grocery store

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

I ... don't believe you.

White guy walks into a bar with a hand full of poop and says: "Hey fellas, look at what I almost stepped in."

True story.

-from the WoW mailbag

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Allcaps means yelling.

Yappy the Aggressively Cheerful Woman: HEY DO YOU HAVEANYSPARECHANGE?
Grumpy Man: NO!!!
Grumpy Man: SHUT UP!!

Monday, July 24, 2006

This wouldn't happen if we had rapid transit

A punk teenager gets on the bus.

Driver: Hey, you're short fifteen cents here.
Punk: I'm a student.
Driver: Let's see your student card.
Punk: I don't have it here, but I'm a student, man!
Driver: I'm not moving until you pay the full fare!
Punk: I'm not getting off the ****ing bus.
Driver: Well I'm not moving!


Man from the back of the bus: (walks deliberately to the front of the bus)
Driver: No, I want HER to pay!
Punk: Don't do it, dude, he's just on a ****ing power trip!
Man: (throws fifteen cents in) Go. (walks back to his seat)

Bus pulls away.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Right... I forgot about the special exception for taxpayers.

Disgruntled Library Patron: I am a taxpayer and I live in this neighbourhood, and I've been coming to this library for 30 years. The rules shouldn't be so rigid for me.

overheard: river heights library

Friday, July 21, 2006

Don't you know your manners yet?

Tiny Toothless Native Lady: Gimmie some of your ice cream cone!
Young Woman: No, it's mine.
Lady: Gimmie! (attempts to grab it out of the woman's hand)
Woman: (pulling her hand away) NO! (runs away)

Sorry, I'm cheapophrenic

Panhandler: (to her the person on her left) Do you have any spare change? Sorry! I'm schizophrenic. (immediately turns to the person on her right) Do you have any spare change?

overheard: outside of portage place mall

Warning: Alcohol may impair your colour judgement

A man and a woman, both drunk are walking very fast down the sidewalk. The man is farther ahead, leans forward, staggers towards an un-drunk woman, smiles and makes a grunt. The drunk woman, speed walks past screaming.

Drunk Woman: He just did that because you're and ****ing blonde and he wants to sleep with you! I'll beat the **** out of you first!

Un-drunk Woman: Well actually, I'm a brunette.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

The other word that rhymes with Regina...

Business type-man: Regina? I call it Angina cause it hurts so much to go there.

overheard: in cityplace mall

Just remember, the clerk does not know the combination to the safe

Old Drunk: What do you have in the bag? A million dollars?

Middle-Aged Drunk: Nah, I'm going to the pharmacy to GET a million dollars!

Sunday, July 16, 2006

Kill Nemo?

I was walking down the street, and came across two people talking. A young woman and a young man wearing a "Kill Bill" t-shirt, featuring a blood stained sword and a severed head. As I got close enough, I heard the young man say "... I can't even stand to watch fish die..."

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Because you got free chips?

In a corner grocery store, a woman holds up a 3/4 empty bag of chips.

Woman: ...don't you think your store shouldn't be selling this stuff?
Female Cashier: I told you my manager is coming.
Woman: Yeah, but don't you think I should get something for this? I mean, they're expired. And I bought some popcorn from here before that was bad... I dunno how long ago that was...
Female Cashier: *silently glares*

Enter manager.

Woman: Look! I bought these chips here and they expired in 05.
Manager: That's a 6.
Woman: No, no, it's a five. Why would I lie about this? Why would I lie?
Manager: I don't see how it's possible we'd even have chips that old, but I'll give you a new bag.
Woman: I wouldn't lie about this! Why would I lie... I wouldn't lie...
Manager: okay then...

Friday, July 07, 2006

But it's only 7:30! The sun's still out!

My wife and I bought roller blades at Value Village recently, and we wanted to test them out. So we went roller blading around our neighbourhood. In the course of our excursion, we passed by Flameshirt the Shadow Dweller. We stopped to rest on the steps, and FSD stepped out of the shadows to talk to us.

FSD: There was someone killed in this neighbourhood. Just a few days ago.
US: Yeah, well...
FSD: And there was a murder just around the corner before that.
US: Well, Winnipeg is Canada's Murder Capital.
FSD: You shouldn't be out late. Returns to the shadows from whence he came.
US: ... thanks for the tip.

Meet the Weirdos

Broadway Bizarros

Flameshirt the Shadow Dweller: A creepy old man with (apparently) only one shirt who likes to hang out in the shadows of one of the apartment buildings in West Broadway.
FSD's appearances: 1, 2

Hairy the Dog Man: A greatly bearded, long haired man with one pipe and two toy dogs.
Hairy's appearances: 1, 2

Buster the Disowned Rankin Brother: A cheerful panhandler often seen at Osborne and Broadway, who sings loudly and mumbles incoherently.
Buster's appearances: 1

Osborne Oddities

The Penis Man: A panhandler in Osborne Village who is often accompanied by his very drunk sidekick. Got his name when he claimed that he needed money for a penis reduction.
The Penis Man's appearances: 1

Yappy the Aggressively Cheerful Woman: A panhandler in Osborne Village who often sat outside Movie Village, and cheerfully (but aggressively (hence the name)) asked passers by: Gotanysparechange? Maybeonthewayout?
Sadly, she passed away in fall, and the city was deprived of a little bit of its colour.
Yappy's appearances: 1, 2

Exchange Eccentrics

Mr. Thirsty: A discheveled looking man in his mid-to-late forties spotted from time to time in the Exchange District.
Mr. Thirsty's appearances: 1, 2

Distinctive Downtowners

B.G.: A frail,intense-looking man of around 80 whose initials really are B.G.
B.G.'s appearances: 1, 2

Miscellanious Mischief-makers

The Pig-Man: A Fort Gary resident whose turned up nose, pointed ears and beady eyes apparently make him resemble a pig. There has been some skeptism expressed in the comments as to the actual existance of the Pig-Man, but the original submitter of the story is adament that it is true.

Bus Crazies

These weirdos deserve a class all by themselves. They defy geographical classification (and alliteration). Ever been on a bus and notice that the person sitting in front of you is talking a little too excitedly? To no one? Ever see someone get into a screaming match with the driver over 5 cents? Then you know who I'm talking about.

Crazy Kids

We used to do this feature where we had children's quotes on weekends. We don't do that anymore, but you can still read the ones that there are from, you know, the past.

The Trike Guy

Rough looking dude with long hair, handlebar mustache, etc, who drives around the city on what is clearly a homemade motertricycle.