Saturday, September 29, 2007

Is “cultural differences” a polite way of saying “penis size”…?

I’m trying to finish the reading for my class, as I wait on Selkirk for the #16. A cheerful middle-aged lady sits down next to me. I smile politely at her, then look back to my book.

Cheerful Middle-Aged Lady: What are you reading? (she looks at my book and reads the title aloud) “Preparing for Peace: Conflict Transformation Across Cultures”. What’s that about?

Me: It’s for one of my conflict resolution classes, “Conflict and Culture.” (I glance at her, then look back at my book)

Cheerful Middle-Aged Lady: (nodding sagely) Oh yeah, conflict resolution. I’ve heard of that. I took a course once… So that’s about racism?

Me: No, conflict… and culture… (Brief summary of how “culture” is more than just “race”)

Cheerful Middle-Aged Lady: Yeah (nodding again) It’s not about the colour of people’s skin, it’s cultural differences… You can’t just judge people by their skin. I know this one guy, a black guy, and boy is he attractive! (fans herself with her hand) Something about those black guys! (laughs) Sometimes I have these fantasies… oooh, that guy gets my heart pumping. He calls me “Shelly”, although that’s not my name, but I say, he can call me whatever he wants! (sighs passionately) Sometimes I fantasize about… mmmm…

Me: Uhh-

“Shelly”: (with a disappointed sigh) …Not like I’d ever act on those fantasies though! If I had to choose, I’d always choose a black man. You know?

Me: Uhh…

“Shelly”: Like if I had to decide between being with a black man and being with an aboriginal man, I’d choose the black man. It’s not about their race or the colour of their skin… eh? It’s the cultural differences. Of, course, I’d always prefer a white man…

Me: Uh, yeah… (trying to think of a way to end this conversation) …yeah, cultural differences… Hey look, the bus is here!

She follows me to the back of the bus, sits across from me, and tries to make eye contact to continue the conversation, but I look steadily at my book until she looks away.

Thursday, September 20, 2007

My Button says "I love the Weirdos"

Loud Bus Man: (pointing at button on a girl's backpack) What does your badge say?
Button Girl: I love Metric
Loud Bus Man: Wow. I've heard about people lovin some crazy things, but I've never heard of anyone loving the Metric system before.
Button Girl: It's a band.
Loud Bus Man: (deflated) Oh.

-overheard on the #60

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

This is Canada, the FBI have no jurisdiction here.

Paranoid Man: I'd like a comment card, right now.
Library Worker: Okay...
PM: They are keeping a secret file on me on the 3rd floor. They know my name and all my information.

At this point he grabs the comment card, takes out a marker and begins making long strokes, scribbles and dots - nothing that resembles the English language.

PM: I'm writing this in hieroglyphics. Only the FBI and one retired cop in Winnipeg know how to read this.

He'll be in later today.

-overheard at the millennium library

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Dancing Gabe

How have we neglected this weirdo for so long?

Monday, September 17, 2007

Actually, Hera is Zeus's wife. Aphrodite is his daughter.

Tweenie Bopper: ... no, I could be Zeus. You could be Aphrodite.
Tweenie With Less Experience in Greek Myth: Who's Aphrodite?
TB: She's, like, Zeus' wife.
TWLEGM: Aphrodite is his wife?
TB: Yeah!
TWLEGM: How do you know all of this?
TB: I watched Hercules.

Friday, September 14, 2007

Weirdos without stories

Occasionally we either hear about or see weirdos who should be included here, but who are brought to our attention without an accompanying anecdote. If you happen to see these weirdos around the city, keep your eyes and ears open, and send us any stories connected with them. Here are a few of these:

The Broom Man
Anyone else run into the guy with the brooms on the number 11 bus? Nice enough guy. Always a new unwrapped broom whether he is going or coming, always has a broom. Wears a really long scarf, and a grey beard.

The Cowboy Man on Regent
There's a scrawny skinny older man that can often be seen somewhere on Regent Ave between Plessis and Day. He's skinnier than a 12 year old girl and always dressed in cowboy duds. He's quite the familiar sight, and anyone who drives down Regent regularly would probably know what you're talking about if you asked them if they've seen the Cowboy Man on Regent.

The Wannabe Bay Shopper
The frail guy outside The Bay Vaughan doors who shouts "I can't afford anything!" to every single person who passes by.

Bartholomew Cubbins
A downtown man who wears several hats all piled on top of each other, and often several jackets as well, no matter what the weather is.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

You aren't actually a weirdo. You're just the essense of weirdo.

Girl: ... and pickles please.
Guy: Why do you always order pickles on your sub? You always just pick them all off.
Girl: I don't like actual pickles. I just like the essence of pickle.

-overheard in a subway on grant

Thursday, September 06, 2007

[insert your own "bite me" joke here]

I was walking by the bus stop in front of Kildonan Place when a gentleman of slimy descent came up and told me I looked yummy.

Then he bit me on the shoulder, turned on his heel and walked away saying, “yup, I was right!”

What happened to the good old days of flowers, or at least exchanging names before the first bite??

-thanks to julie for the submission