Not the reaction he was hoping for

Scene: near Ellice on Cumberland, Halloween 1973
Weather: pretty darn nippy
Time: after dark

A young woman is walking along Cumberland towards Ellice when a young man slips past her and into the alley. Moments later, as she comes level with the alley, he steps out with his pants down and his wedding tackle on display.

He: Hey, whaddaya think of this? [pointing]

She: [bursts into giggles, keeps walking]

He: [Comes hopping after her] Hey, hey, get a load of this!

She: [giggles, still walking]

He: [realises that a) he is on a busy street and b) it is the end of October, not such good weather for "tropical fish", begins to button himself up again]

He: [shouting after walking woman] You're no fun!

- thanks to Miss Tick for the submission

That's the first chapter in the story of how you were born

Mother to Toddler: Don't put that in your mouth! You can't just go around putting things in your mouth, it can make you sick. Take my word for it.

-overheard in a walk-in clinic

Or is it just this popcorn I'm eating?

Macho Sports Guy: (whispering) Does anyone else's lips feel buttery?

-overheard in sociology lecture at the uofm

Only slightly more expensive then the dads at WalMart

Haggard Daddy: How about you just stay at Safeway and buy yourself a new dad?

Hyper Child: Okay!!

(we suggest this guy)


-overheard in the safeway in osborne village

But then he checked his couch cushions and he found it again

Girl: This guy I know has no leg anymore.

Guy: What happened?

Girl: I don't know. He used to have a leg and now he doesn't.

Guy: That's nice.

-overheard in the uofm library

Postsecret is coming

One of the links on our sidebar and inspiration to us here at Weirdos of Winnipeg,
Postsecret is coming to the WAG later this month.

We encourage all our readers far and wide to go see it.

Happy Halloween, Winnipeg!

What was your favourite costume sighting around Winnipeg today?

Ours were the "Yip, Yip, Yip, Yip, Uh-huh" Sesame Street guy spotted at Portage Place

and the Spy vs Spy guy (or girl?) spotted at the UofM.

...and recording it to post on a website.

Teen Girl: My nose wiggles when I talk, is that weird?
So-and-so: Everyone's nose wiggles when they talk!
Whatsherface: Mine doesn't.
Teen girl: My nose is always cold, maybe that's because it's big
So-and-so: I like guys with big noses.
Teen girl: Doesn't it get in the way when you make out?
So-and-so: No!
Whatsherface: I like big noses too, big Jewish noses.
Teen girl: I think [Alan] has a cute nose.
Whatsherface: You just admited you think he's cute! You said you didn't like him!
Teen girl: Just because I think his nose is cute doesn't mean I like him!
So-and-so: Can you believe we're having this conversation on a bus? We're such freaks, people could be listening.

-overheard on the #60

... plus I could just lap up anything that had been spilled on the floor!

Teen Girl: ... I was soooo drunk. I couldn't even stand. So I just crawled around on the floor looking for change so I could buy some more drinks.

-overheard in a wendy's

Only if you pass...urine?

Soccer Mom #1: I can't believe it! What a great idea!

Soccer Mom #2: I know, instead of the interview, you just have to give a urine sample!

Soccer Mom #1: And then you get the job?

Soccer Mom #2: Well, only if you pass.

overheard in the exchange


-thanks to kevin for the submission

Why did the drunk guy cross the road?

Noticeably Drunk Guy: ... well, I'll admit I'm a little drunk. But I blame the creator. Because I'm BALD! (laughs hysterically) [he's not bald]

Noticeably Sober Guy: ...

NDG: Hey, a joke, a joke. Why did the pygmy cross the, uh, cross the road?

NSG: I don't know. Why?

NDG: Because he wanted to commit suicide! (laughs hysterically. Then, suddenly serious) Do you want to come have a beer with me?

NSG: No thanks, I don't drink.

NDG: (look of disbelief) What...?

-overheard in west broadway

Is it confusing that the Fort Garry isn't in Fort Garry?

Hopeful Bus Rider: Do you go past the Fort Garry?
Bus Driver: I'm going to say... [long pause] ...yes?

HBR gets on the bus. The bus pulls away.

Bus Driver: Where's the Fort Garry?

-overheard on the 60

Pros and Cons

A couple of weeks ago, we went to a downtown restaurant. As we were leaving the busy restaurant, we were approached by a guy in a hardhat.

Hardhat: Excuse me. Do any of you have a cell phone I could borrow? My ^%$ truck just got stolen, with all my tools in it.

Me: Uh, yeah. Sure. Here. (hands over cell phone)

HH: Thanks. I'm from Brandon, but this is a local call, okay. I'm just calling my supervisor. (dials) This is some &*&^ place you've got here. I've been waiting three hours for the police, but they said they have eight cars a day stolen in this &*^& city. %$%#$. My wallet was in the truck too. $#$#. He's not there. Just voicemail. Look, do you have $13 for the bus back to Brandon, or I'm going to be stuck here.

Me: Uh, geez, I'm sorry. I have nothing on me. (shrugs. walks away.)

Questions for discussion:

1. Who does construction on Sunday night?
2. Was it a coincidence that he was hanging around outside a restaurant that was having a little bit of construction done?
3. Why hadn't he already asked the restaurant if he could use their phone, if he had been standing there for three hours?
4. Why did he need $13, if a one-way ticket to Brandon is in fact $31.15?
5. What came first, the hardhat, or the plan?

-thanks to kelly for the story

I have a hug and I'm not afraid to use it

A guy was walking around the Forks Market with a sign that said “FREE HUGS”.

A security officer escorted him off the property.

-thanks to allison for the submission

I didn't actually invent the coffee mug

I was standing waiting for the bus drinking coffee out of a Starbucks travel mug, when this frazzled looking mother looked at me and noticed the mug.

Woman: (really, really excitedly) What a great way to transport coffee!

Me: Uh. Okay.


-thanks to jl for the submission

How else could it know that Halloween is on the 31st AGAIN this year?

Chick 1: Hey, you know how my calendar is psychic?
Chick 2: Uh...

-overheard on the 60

Photo Contest #2

Anti-graffiti advertisements have appeared throughout Winnipeg lately, and naturally they have been subject to ... a lot of graffiti.



Our Second Photo Contest thus begins:
Take pictures of these ads with graffiti on them, and submit them in digital form to:

weirdosofwinnipeg@gmail.com

Our favourite picture will win something from the Weirdos of Winnipeg Store.

RULES:

1. We neither endorse nor encourage graffiti. Be journalists, not vandals. Don't mark up the ads yourself. Firstly, it is a crime, and secondly it's cheating at this contest. Only "found" graffiti is applicable.
2. As with our previous photo contest, by submitting pictures you forfeit legal rights to them. That means: don't submit a picture you want to submit to a different photography contest or want to publish in a book. It may seem greedy of us, but once you submit a picture to us, we own it.
3. Since this contest requires less creativity than our last contest, the prize will be smaller. This time the prize is your choice of any two buttons or magnets. We will also custom make a button or magnet for you.
4. There will be more contests in the future, with bigger and better prizes, so if you lust for our merchandise but don't want to give us any of your money, just be patient.
5. The winner will be announced early in November.

Hey Business Tax! Let my people go!

Sam Katz: I may not be Moses, but I did part the red sea!

-heard on CBC radio

Is “cultural differences” a polite way of saying “penis size”…?

I’m trying to finish the reading for my class, as I wait on Selkirk for the #16. A cheerful middle-aged lady sits down next to me. I smile politely at her, then look back to my book.

Cheerful Middle-Aged Lady: What are you reading? (she looks at my book and reads the title aloud) “Preparing for Peace: Conflict Transformation Across Cultures”. What’s that about?

Me: It’s for one of my conflict resolution classes, “Conflict and Culture.” (I glance at her, then look back at my book)

Cheerful Middle-Aged Lady: (nodding sagely) Oh yeah, conflict resolution. I’ve heard of that. I took a course once… So that’s about racism?

Me: No, conflict… and culture… (Brief summary of how “culture” is more than just “race”)

Cheerful Middle-Aged Lady: Yeah (nodding again) It’s not about the colour of people’s skin, it’s cultural differences… You can’t just judge people by their skin. I know this one guy, a black guy, and boy is he attractive! (fans herself with her hand) Something about those black guys! (laughs) Sometimes I have these fantasies… oooh, that guy gets my heart pumping. He calls me “Shelly”, although that’s not my name, but I say, he can call me whatever he wants! (sighs passionately) Sometimes I fantasize about… mmmm…

Me: Uhh-

“Shelly”: (with a disappointed sigh) …Not like I’d ever act on those fantasies though! If I had to choose, I’d always choose a black man. You know?

Me: Uhh…

“Shelly”: Like if I had to decide between being with a black man and being with an aboriginal man, I’d choose the black man. It’s not about their race or the colour of their skin… eh? It’s the cultural differences. Of, course, I’d always prefer a white man…

Me: Uh, yeah… (trying to think of a way to end this conversation) …yeah, cultural differences… Hey look, the bus is here!


She follows me to the back of the bus, sits across from me, and tries to make eye contact to continue the conversation, but I look steadily at my book until she looks away.

My Button says "I love the Weirdos"

Loud Bus Man: (pointing at button on a girl's backpack) What does your badge say?
Button Girl: I love Metric
Loud Bus Man: Wow. I've heard about people lovin some crazy things, but I've never heard of anyone loving the Metric system before.
Button Girl: It's a band.
Loud Bus Man: (deflated) Oh.

-overheard on the #60

This is Canada, the FBI have no jurisdiction here.

Paranoid Man: I'd like a comment card, right now.
Library Worker: Okay...
PM: They are keeping a secret file on me on the 3rd floor. They know my name and all my information.

At this point he grabs the comment card, takes out a marker and begins making long strokes, scribbles and dots - nothing that resembles the English language.

PM: I'm writing this in hieroglyphics. Only the FBI and one retired cop in Winnipeg know how to read this.
...

He'll be in later today.

-overheard at the millennium library

Dancing Gabe

How have we neglected this weirdo for so long?

Actually, Hera is Zeus's wife. Aphrodite is his daughter.

Tweenie Bopper: ... no, I could be Zeus. You could be Aphrodite.
Tweenie With Less Experience in Greek Myth: Who's Aphrodite?
TB: She's, like, Zeus' wife.
TWLEGM: Aphrodite is his wife?
TB: Yeah!
TWLEGM: How do you know all of this?
TB: I watched Hercules.
TWLEGM: Oh, COOL!

Weirdos without stories

Occasionally we either hear about or see weirdos who should be included here, but who are brought to our attention without an accompanying anecdote. If you happen to see these weirdos around the city, keep your eyes and ears open, and send us any stories connected with them. Here are a few of these:

The Broom Man
Anyone else run into the guy with the brooms on the number 11 bus? Nice enough guy. Always a new unwrapped broom whether he is going or coming, always has a broom. Wears a really long scarf, and a grey beard.

The Cowboy Man on Regent
There's a scrawny skinny older man that can often be seen somewhere on Regent Ave between Plessis and Day. He's skinnier than a 12 year old girl and always dressed in cowboy duds. He's quite the familiar sight, and anyone who drives down Regent regularly would probably know what you're talking about if you asked them if they've seen the Cowboy Man on Regent.

The Wannabe Bay Shopper
The frail guy outside The Bay Vaughan doors who shouts "I can't afford anything!" to every single person who passes by.

Bartholomew Cubbins
A downtown man who wears several hats all piled on top of each other, and often several jackets as well, no matter what the weather is.

You aren't actually a weirdo. You're just the essense of weirdo.

Girl: ... and pickles please.
Guy: Why do you always order pickles on your sub? You always just pick them all off.
Girl: I don't like actual pickles. I just like the essence of pickle.

-overheard in a subway on grant

[insert your own "bite me" joke here]

I was walking by the bus stop in front of Kildonan Place when a gentleman of slimy descent came up and told me I looked yummy.

Then he bit me on the shoulder, turned on his heel and walked away saying, “yup, I was right!”

What happened to the good old days of flowers, or at least exchanging names before the first bite??

-thanks to julie for the submission

Here, have a diet pepsi

Some EMO kid is going out through a door from the mall. An older suit type is walking in.

Suit: You're going the wrong way.

EMO kid: So, huh? (keeps walking)

Suit: (turns around, yelling) You are going the wrong way with your whole life!

(brief pause)

EMO: You are SO OLD!

-overheard in grant park

-thanks to kevin for the submission

Logic in action

So I'm sitting on my front step and a couple of kids go by on a bike - one is doing the biking, the other is riding on the back.

Driver: Would you rather be Canadian or American?
Rider: American!
Driver: Why?
Rider: Because if Hitler ruled, they never would have invented bikes and
we'd have to walk everywhere.

-thanks to jane for the submission

Beware the Pig Man

This submission is really meant to more of a warning than a story. It is all true, and my therapist said writing it down would be good for me.

It was September of 1998. I had just moved into an oversized, under-kept apartment on Jubilee. It was cheap, and since I had no job it was the right price for me. I moved in with a couple of roomies and my poodle. I also moved in with a few fake wooden cacti, that adorned the front of the building at the Jubille overpass for a number of years (until I finished school and got the hell outta there!).

I had sent my poodle outside on her leash, and gone back up the stairs to my apartment. No sooner was I up the stairs than I heard my dog barking, and a horrible screaming sound. Kinda like a pig being burned alive in the fire.

I ran down the stairs, afraid that some real dog had gotten ahold of my poodle.
When I burst out the door and into the yard, I saw the poodle straining at her leash, and a man backed up against the side of the house too scared to move. I called my dog to me, and apologizied to the poor man. The man ran off without looking at me, grabbed his rake, jumped on his old 10 speed, and took off down the back lane.

If the events of this story could just have stopped here, that would have been great. If the man had just run away and left, no problems. I could have gone on with my life. But no. The man had to turn around as he left.

He looked over his shoulder, and looked at me with his beady black pig eyes, and it was then that I took in all his features.

He had a pushed up nose, sharp white teeth, and ears that point ever so slightly. He prefers to wear old blue button up shirts, and kaki shorts, with penny loafers. Which look like hooves.

Shuddering, I went inside. Vowing to be a better dog owner and more careful of the freaks of Fort Gary.

A few days later I came home with my dog, walked up the stairs. I went into the kitchen, and there was Pig-Man crouching down on the floor, rooting under the sink.

I lost it. I should have run at him, or yelled at him, but instead I ran into the living room to ask my roomies who was in the kitchen, and why?

I was so scared that this man was in my house. Both my roomies thought my tears and whimpering were funny, and they mocked me, and told me they thought I was making things up. There was a man in our kitchen! How could I be making it up?

When I went back to the kitchen on my own, ready to do some damage or throw something at him, he was gone. The kitchen cupboards were open under the sink. Nothing appeared to be taken. The side door was open.

After this, I went down to the shelter and got a bigger dog. And pig man never came around my house again.

-thanks to kevin for the submission

I forgive you. This time.

FSD has appointed himself the doorman of our building. He waits on the steps, in the shadows, and when he sees me approaching he hurriedly unlocks the door.

I'm not sure if he thinks I don't have a key, or if he simply enjoys being helpful. I'm also unsure if he opens the door for everyone or only for me.

Recently I came home and walked in the door just after him, unlocking the door with my own key as I did so. When he saw me enter, he turned and said "Oh! I'm so sorry! Please forgive me, it won't happen again!"

Free Spirit...ed energy?

Down-to-earth Girl: She doesn't lock her door. She says she's a free spirit, but it's not her stuff getting stolen!



overheard on the #18

Maybe if he played the guitar better, it wouldn't seek satisfaction elsewhere.

Dude: ...it's like sleeping with a guys girlfriend, stealing his guitar. It's just low.

overheard on the #18

Ah, the eternal question

Brunette:... and then you end up with genital warts all over your FACE!
Blonde: Then are they still genital warts?

Yappy RIP

I've been informed that Yappy the Aggressively Cheerful Woman passed away a few months ago. She made Winnipeg a more interesting place to live, and we mourn her passing.

There's nothing classier than rape jokes

Girl to Guy : Stop raping my bellybutton! If I wanted you to rape it, I'd let you!

Just one of the services we're proud to offer

Need your car stolen? Welcome to Winnipeg!


thanks to gloria for the suggestion

They'll repossess your degree. From now on, THEY have the B.A. in Art History.

Broke guy, talking about repaying student loans: What are they going to do? Come to my house and take my nintendo?

-overheard at the toad during happy hour


thanks to mts for the submission

Not that I'm Complaining

Person in Transcona: It must be windy today, it smells of Saint Boniface.


-overheard in Transcona

Help us. Help us help you.

If you have any suggestions for new mottos for the fair city of Winnipeg, send them to us. If we really like them, they'll be featured here, and then maybe show up on a t-shirt. Cool.

Very Seductive

Seductress: I'm going to text-message seduce him
Friend: Does he have a cell phone?
S: Yeah, I saw him on it
F: He has kind of a lisp
S: Yeah, he talks like a homo
F: He looks like a homo.
S: He looks like he needs to put his genitals inside me. And I'm going to let him.

-overheard on broadway

No, it's the big nose that makes you look like a velociraptor.

Female student to another, while pulling up her hood before going out in the rain:

Are you sure this doesn't make me look like a velociraptor?


- overheard at U of W

The Pants are Strong in this one

Brunette Girl: Have you had that sub, you know the one with the short dark hair?
Blonde Girl: Is she Chinese?
Guy: She (points to another girl) has dark hair, that doesn't make her Chinese.
Blonde Girl: Isn't your mom Chinese?
Guy: No she has big eyes. Do I look Chinese?
Girl Who Isn't Chinese: The sub who always wears pants, really really tight pants?
Exchange Student: Is it unnormal to wear pants every day?
Brunette Girl: Yeah, that's the one.

--overheard in band room, after school

-thanks to claire for the submission

I can't answer, I'm holding my breath

I live my life trying to avoid contact with bus crazies. But a bus crazy got on the 16 this morning, and, naturally sat down right beside me, event hough there were many completely empty seats on the bus. Why I attract these people is one of life's mysteries.

Bus Crazy: (gesturing to passing cemetary) HEY! Guess how many dead people are buried there!
Me: (Does he want a number? A guesstimate? Will he pull a knife out from under his parka and still my throat if I don't answer--?) I...uh...I...don't know...
Bus Crazy: All of them!
Me: What?
Bus Crazy: They're all dead! Ha! I heard that joke when I was five years old and it gets 'em every time!
Me: Heh. All of them. (I flip open my cell phone and start busily entering a long sequence of random numbers. After a couple of minutes he gets up and goes to visit somebody else.)

-overheard on the 16


thanks to dogen for the contribution

It's not illegal, just taboo!

Drunken Golfer: ... hey, HE's the guy who said he checks out his cousin's ass!
Drunken Golfer #2: I do not! ... She's totally hot! ... seriously, she's a fitness model!

-overheard on the 60

Hey m@, tell us more!

From the Weirdos Mailbag. This was a comment, but I think it deserves to be a post.

I submit for your approval, the frail guy outside The Bay Vaughan doors who shouts "I can't afford anything!" to every single person who passes by.

WoW vows to send a spy to Vaughan and investigate.

-thanks to m@ for the comment

I mean, I'm not sure that's even anotomically possible...

Two young women are on a plane. One of them has just gotten dumped by text msg and is wondering what to do about it.

Friend: Wait till you're off the plane and text him "fuck you and your glass eye!"

They laugh for a good 5 minutes.

Dumpee: ...but, i dont get it...


-overheard on a flight into winnipeg


thanks to mts (M The Stewardess) for the contribution

Sorry

May we direct your attention to our standard "lull" post?

That's WHY I'm hitting you!

Guy: ...and I said "Stop hitting me, I just shaved my knees!"

-overheard on the #11

Actually, it was Thursday.

While standing at the intersection of Broadway and Osborne, I watched a man dash across the road against traffic. The lights were just changing, so the SUV he cut off was stuck at the red light afterward.

The guy in the SUV shouted out his window:

Manly, manly, SUV guy: Hey @#$*er! Watch where the @#$* you're going!
Manly, manly, jaywalker: @#$% you.
SUV: (gets out of his car) What the @#$% did you say to me?
Jay: @#$% you, man!
SUV: Why the @#$% did you run in front traffic like that, @#$%er?
Jay: (shrug) Why not? It's Saturday.
SUV: (getting back into his car as the lights change) Next time I'll run you down.
Jay: Do it! I'll sue!
SUV: (drives off yelling) @#$@er @#%ing @#$@head ##$face @$#%@^% !!
Jay: (walks off yelling) @#!$wipe $!@sucker @#%$er @*^ing %*!!#bag!!!

Football team orgy or grow-op?

Jock: ... so they're searching all over campus, but we're all in the same elevator shaft!


-overheard at u of m

Secretly I do care

Buttons now available in the store. Check it out!

Or don't. See if I care.

Let me get this straight: an apple is a bean, like a tomato, but a peanut is a plant?

Expert in Logic: ... it's like and apple and a peanut... it's like a peanut and an apple ... it's like a peanut. It's like, I say a peanut ... it's like, you say a peanut is a legume and I say no it's a plant. Well technically it is a plant, but ... I mean, you say it's a legume and I say it's a bean. Or I mean, a nut. Well technically it is a legume, but ... it's like a tomato. It's like, you say a tomato is a fruit and I say it's a vegetable. Well it is a fruit, but it tastes like a vegetable, you know? It's like, I don't care if I'm wrong as long as you understand me.

-overheard on the #60

Winnipeg by-law 6942/07

Girl: If you're a bitch, you can't get mad when someone punches you in the face.

-overheard in a bus shelter on osborne

Does that make you a BusSlut?

Pink-haired Teen: You've never been on the bus before? Oh my God, we totally stole your bus virginity!

-overheard on the 66

Is the noise being made by people? Like maybe a CROWD of people?

Woman in The Bay: I'm not sure if it's crowded, or just noisy.

-overhead the first (and very busy) day of spring break, in polo park shopping centre


-thanks to Coral for the submission

So THAT'S what chaps are for

Leathery Man: There's nothing better then a wet crotch when the rest of your pants are dry.

-overheard in a broadway pawn shop

Don't worry Jim. I think you're beautiful

Movie goer #1: "What this movie about? The Number 23?
Movie goer #2: "With that Jim Carey guy?"
Movie goer #1: (scoffingly) "Yeah..."
Movie goer #2: "Oh, it's about numbers, madness... You know A Beautiful Mind?"
Movie goer #1: "Yeah?"
Movie goer #2: "It's like that, but without the Beautiful."

overheard at silver city polo park

Resistance is futile

Tech Enthusiast: Wait, did you say "cyber sex"?
Guy: No. CyBORG sex.
Tech Enthusiast: Cyborg sex? That's even better!

-overheard at u of m

Don't be cocky

Curious Man: So I was checking out your package...
Proud Man: Yeah, it's a great package.

-overheard at the library

The Other Penis Man

Thanks to Jaimie for the submission.

Happy St. Patrick's Day, Winnipeg!

Expert: ...because "kiss me I'm German" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

-overheard at u of m

Welcome to Winnipeg: We have Syphilis!

Is it just me, or are those garbage-can ads (while possibly necessary) fairly off-putting?

He was saying I have a fax from Cape Breton. Didn't you take a message?

I don't know if he was following me around, or what, but I saw Buster the Disowned Rankin Brother in two different parts of the city today. Both times he was cheerfully singing at the top of his lungs. The second time he talked to me for a while, and I would transcribe his conversation here, but I couldn't make out a single word except "Halifax" and "Cape Breton".

Was he perhaps claiming that Halifax is on Cape Breton Island? Was he telling me that he is from Cape Breton? Or from Halifax? Was he telling me that that's where he's headed? Some things science cannot answer.

Come on. EVERYONE knows that!

Guy on a cell phone: ... but are they magic zombies? Cause if they're not magic zombies you can't kill them.

-overheard on the 60

What your kids are really doing when you're away

Teen #1: Hey, my parents are out of town this week end. You guys should come over and we can build a fort.
Teen #2: (very excitedly) Oooh! With pillows?
Teen #1: Yeah! And we can use, like, dictionaries and big books to hold down the sheets!

-overheard at a high school in st. boniface

What happens when you go out for ketchup?

Guy (looking at a bag of flour): That doesn't really seem like enough. But then, I usually spend about $1000 on a grocery store trip. When I only went out for mustard.

-overheard at the osborne village safeway

Because there's nothing sexier than paint

Thanks to John for the submission

Did you know I hate old people?

Old Bigot: Did you know I hate Indians?


-overheard at in a tim hortons on maryland

... but only after you're married.

Thanks to Jaimie for the submission

Sorry, no. We're just here to look at the food.

5 year old kid: Hey mom, can we buy something here?

-overheard at the osborne village safeway

And it wasn't a fitness test

Guy: So I got the test results back, and it said I was in the 99th percentile. Out of the 50,000 people who took the test.
Girl: Wow! That's so ...
Guy: ... well, it was against Americans.
Girl: Oh. Well then.

-overheard at u of m

Well that's just pathetic

It's the last day of February and there haven't been any submissions for the Photo Contest. Come on, people! Those photos aren't going to take themselves!

Like how the Germans are into invading other countries?

High school female #1: You know how the French are all into religion?
High school female #2: Yeah?
High school female #1: Well, the English are all into sex.

-overheard on the 29

Guess you had to be there

Math Geek 1: ... so then he's like: "r=r/i, v=vi"!
Math Geek 2: Oh man! That's hilarious!

-overheard at the u of m

Tick Talk... or Spooooooooon!

Man: Did I ever tell you about the time that a tick got stuck under the foreskin of my friend's penis?

-overheard in a portapotty at Festival du Voyageur

Mailbag Mensa

"All comments must be approved by the blog author." Yes, so this one has a chance. The yellow strip does not work properly all of the time. I have no idea why this is; I think perhaps my upper body strength is lacking. This is not indicative of level of intelligence. As a matter of fact, my IQ is 149, and yet, I am occasionally at issue with the yellow strip. You have poked fun at little but yourself.

Our favourite part is in bold. Classic.

Then I kicked myself in the stomach, and that was good too...

Guy: ... so I felt like my lungs had exploded, and my rib was like, in my throat, I was sooo winded. So I had a cigarette, and that helped.


-overheard on the 60

... but he sure looks good in blue!

Disco Dan: I told [Albert] he should totally be a bus driver.
Preppy Pete: Yeah! I can totally see that!
[pause]
[pause]
[pause]
... he'd have to learn to drive first.
Disco Dan: Yeah, baby steps.


-overheard on the 60

So... many... jokes. Can't... pick... one.

Guy: ... I could wax your board so good!
[pause]
Waxing my board is, like, sexual. I, like, wax board for hours.
[pause]
Yeah, if I could I would totally marry my board. But the only problem is, it has this dent in it.



-overheard on the 60

From the Mailbag

As we gain popularity (4 pages on Google!), so we gain Hatemail and Fanmail.

We love this. It's fuel for the fire that is WoW. Some people comment with stories that become part of the Weirdos posts, some people send us their laughter, others their hate.

And some people send us great links about eternal life.

Today's mailbag comes from self-proclaimed "Messenger of God" Kingsten Kensley .

He simply sent us a link, and so we checked it out.

We're not sure if he's from Winnipeg, but he certainly is a weirdo.

Our favourite part?
"To apply for discipleship and an everlasting life with the one and only true God, please email us"

Everlasting life via email! Awesome.


Please continue to send us hate and love mail. We'll be happy to feature it in our mailbag.

We call that "Frostbite"

Woman: ... I don't feel the cold. I'm just numb to it ...

Part 2: A few weeks later

Read Part 1


I am stationed at the public service desk in the downtown office building where I work. I glance up and notice B.G. approaching, smiling benignly at me. For a second I assume I'm hallucinating, and then I think, "oh my god, he's found out where I work, and now I'm going to die."

B.G. (apparently failing to recognize me): Good afternoon, sir!
Me (trying to make myself as bland and unmemorable as possible): Uh, hello...
B.G.: I wonder if you had a chance to try the muffins I brought around earlier?
Me (completely thrown): Sorry, I hadn't heard about any muffins.
B.G.: Well, you really must try one; I just baked them myself this morning.
Me: Oh, really?
B.G.: Yes indeed. Now I wonder, sir, if by any chance you were at all acquainted with the late Mr. Burton Cummings? (He doesn't actually say Burton Cummings. He mentions the name of a prominent local man, considerably younger than himself, who to the best of my knowledge is still very much alive.)
Me (uncertainly): I know him by reputation...
B.G.: Well, as you seem like quite a nice young man yourself, I feel there is something I would like to share with you. (He takes a deep breath, and sighs.) One of the greatest satisfactions of my life has been that I was able to be of some comfort to him in the days of his final illness. He was such a lovely person! Such a talent!
Me (flabbergasted): Well, that's ... uh ... very nice! You know, I think I'll go and see if there are any of those muffins left.

I scurry away, and as the end of my shift is mercifully near, manage to spend the
remainder of it in hiding.



-thanks to j.d. for the contribution

Part 1: In the Vomitorium

This story is a two-parter involving the same person. Part 1 takes place in the bus shelter attached to one of Winnipeg's more dubious theme attractions which I'll refer to as The Vomitorium.

It is unseasonably cold, and the huddled masses in the shelter are trying not to inhale the reeking, bile-scented air. It is the end of a long working day for me, my blood-sugar has completely crashed, and I am extremely cranky.

B.G. (making his entrance like an old-time Vaudeville performer): How many people here know me? I'm B____ G____, the radio celebrity!

To my surprise, several people actually recognize him. Afterwards, a bystander explains to me that B.G. has made several appearances on a local talk-radio show. Later, I am curious enough to phone the station, where one of the staff rather sheepishly confirms that B.G. is indeed a semi-regular if self-invited guest

B.G. (basking in the adoration and lighting a cigarette): I know folks don't always like the stuff I do, but I'm too old to care. If they say anything about it, I just give 'em s**t!
Me (feeling brave because I am half his age and twice his size): I don't care who you are; you can't smoke in here.
B.G.: And who's going to stop me?
Me: I am.

I lunge toward him, snatch the cigarette out of his mouth,toss it on the floor, and grind it out with my shoe.

B.G.: That's it! You just assaulted me!
Me: Whatever! I didn't even touch you.
B.G.: I know all about your kind; you're one of those HOMOSEXUALS! Ihave a gun at home. You better not come back here, or I'll be waiting for you.
Me: Do you realize you have just threatened my life in front of thirty witnesses?
B.G.: It's your own fault. You assaulted me! I'm calling the police!
Me: Be my guest. I'm sure they'll be especially interested in the part where you tell them about the gun.

Continued in part 2.




-thanks to j.d. for the contribution

Metaphysics

A little girl of about three years old is talking to her mother on the bus. The mother rings the bell for the stop.

Mom: We'll talk about this outside, okay?
Girl: Outside? There is no outside!

-overheard on the 10

What about in "dictionary"?

English Professor: Well, you know, there's no "I" in "nation", or in "machine".
...
No wait...



-overheard at the u of m

Photo Contest.

Throughout the month of March we will be featuring pictures of Winnipeg.

You can submit your photos by sending them in electronic form to weirdosofwinnipeg@gmail.com. Our favourite picture submitted before March 31 will win a stylish t-shirt of their choice from the Weirdos of Winnipeg Store. We'll even use your picture in a design! Snazzy! So here are the rules:

1. No pictures of people's faces. We'll still post overheard weirdness and stories about people as usual, but to protect the identity of the innocent, we won't post pictures of people's faces.
2. Pictures of weird graffiti are good, but please don't make the graffiti yourself. Firstly it's cheating (like submitting something you said as an overheard, it's just cheap) and secondly we don't want to encourage the defacement of public property.
3. The kinds of things we are looking for: weird graffiti, weird signs, weird things around town, stuff that is unique to Winnipeg. They can be pictures that are intrinsically funny, or they can be pictures of mundane things with creative or funny captions. We do reserve the right to change the captions if we think we're funnier than you are. But how likely is that really?
4. By submitting pictures you forfeit legal rights to them. That means: don't submit a picture you want to submit to a different photography contest or want to publish in a book. It may seem greedy of us, but once you submit a picture to us, we own it.

The other ones are hidden behind the desk.

Guy: Where are your videos?
Library Worker: Adult videos?
Guy: (turns red) n-n-no... just the regular kind
Library Worker: (laughs) ...as opposed to Children's.
Guy: oh, yeah
Library Worker: Second floor.

-overheard at millenium library


thanks to j.m. for the submission

Like a Living Ken Doll

Man: So, you're waiting for a bus, eh?
Me: Yes.
Man: I don't tell very many people about this, but you seem friendly. You'd probably never guess, but I have an unusual disability.
Me: Uh, really ... you don't have to talk about it if you don't want to.
Man: It's o.k., I trust you. [Pause.] I don't have a penis any more.
Me [my eyes involuntarily racing around the floor for signs of recent carnage]: Oh my god! ... [then, relieved at not seeing any] ... oh, you weren't talking about TODAY..., were you? [Nervous laughter as I recognize my possibly attrocious mistake]
Man: Maybe you don't believe me?
Me: No, I do. Honestly.
Man [smiling]: Wanna know what happened?
Me [after a moment of stunned silence]: Er, I think I see my bus ... coming down the street. So nice to meet you! [I run away]

-overheard in osborne village


thanks to j.d. for the contribution

I liked the singing part better

Guitar Guy: (singing) Hang down yer head Tom Dooley... (stops) (yelling) Hey! Hey! The government is watching you! I'm just a figment of your imagination! You! Hey you! I'm in your head!



-overheard downtown

Weekend Weird Wee Ones

Well, it's the weekend, and you know what that means!

And it's all contained in this little tube!

Little Boy: [looking through telescope] Oma... I can see the universe!!!

-overheard at oak hammock marsh

Feel-good Lighthearted Comedy Romp

After a showing of The Good German:

Film Aficionado: God! How depressing! Now let's go and rent Schindler's List.

-overheard at grant park theatre

Press yellow strip to open door. Moron.

There is a whole sub-category of bus-crazies who are most likely perfectly sane in ordinary life, but for whom the bus is a catalyst of craziness.

The most noticeable of these are the people who can't figure out how to work the back door.

I realize that there are many people for whom a ride on the bus is something of a quaint oddity, or a unique inconvenience. These people are not familiar with the rules of bus travel. Their natural ignorance can be cheerfully forgiven. What I'm talking about are the people who can't (or won't) read or take advantage of the helpful diagrams Winnipeg Transit has provided, and instead react to their frustration with violence.

I'm talking about the people who pound with all their might upon the door, while yelling "BACK DOOR!! BAAACK DOOOOOR!!!!", as if the bus driver were cruelly imprisoning them by refusing to let them off the bus.

In these situations I like to lean across, and using only one finger, press the yellow strip and watch the door magically swing open for the frustrated and angry tourist in my world of bus travel. They rarely thank me.

Guaranteed to Make You MORE ATTRACTIVE*

Check out the Weirdos of Winnipeg Store! Stylish shirts (and now buttons) can be purchased here.


Featured shirt design:




Don't forget the snazzy buttons, which you can pin to either your shirt or to the strap of your backpack. But nowhere else. We don't tolerate nonconformity here at weirdosofwinnipeg.

*or at least, less shirtless

Rosencrantz on lead guitar and vocals, Guildenstern on drums...

Drama Enthusiast: I got tickets to see ‘Rosencrantz And Guildenstern Are Dead’ for tonight.
Drama Unenthusiast: Oh, will Rosencrantz and Guildenstern actually be there? Will they be performing?


-overheard in a downtown office


thanks to dogan for the contribution

More Reindeer Games

Suit: So I say to my daughter "those are reindeer, they need hooves" and she tells me "but daddy, they do have boobs!"....


-overheard on the skywalk (downtown)

...and did that actually happen, or is the artist making it up?

Art Critic: Like, I don't get it. Is the water, like, turning into a piano, or, like, is the piano turning into water? Or is the piano just, like, sitting in water?

-overheard on the #11

Imagine that.

Sorority Girl: ... yeah, I remember that party! It was great! My costume left, like, NOTHING to the imagination...

-overheard at the u of m

Wee Weirdo Weekend Ones

Well it's the weekend, and you know what that means!

Which is the greater mystery?

Conversation between a mom and her 11-year old boy over lunch.

Boy: Mom, where does the spirit go?
Mom: Oh man, that's quite a question. I'm not quite sure how to answer that. I mean, it's kind of a deep question for a little boy to ask. The spirit, huh? Do you mean after you die, honey?
Boy: No, I mean the bus.

-overheard

That's what she said.

New Winnipegger: I had no idea there were so many different kinds of snow! It's just icy water, who knew? But this stuff is like, hard, and last time it was, like, fat and fluffy.

-overheard on the #17 bus

Yes. Cash Only. I'll just put it here in my pocket for safekeeping.

Not-so-saavy guy: Hello, I need to email a resume to Ontario and I hear you have those services here.
Library person: Yes, we do...[starts explaining how that works]
Not-so-saavy guy: but, does it cost extra to send an email to Ontario?


-overheard at the millenium library

Car hit by Dog

A man was walking his large dog, without a leash, when the dog spotted a small dog across the street. Curious, the large dog came running across the street to investigate.

The dog reached the midway mark of the street.
A car screeched to a halt.
The man called his dog.

The dog turned around, and bonked head first into the side of the stopped car, making a funny "clunking" sound.

The upset driver and the unleashed dog's owner exchanged exasperated glances, and then all parties, human and canine alike, went their separate ways none the worse for wear.

Ballsy

Frat Boy: ... so the prof walked into class and he looked right at me and he said "[Scott], your right testicle is hanging out." That's how he started the class!

-overheard at the u of m

He was giving me lip

Nostalgic Guy: Remember that time we went to a party at that emu farm and you punched that horse in the face?

-overheard in osborne village


thanks to liz for the contribution

Newsworthy

Thanks to David Sanderson for his great article on WoW in the Winnipeg Free Press.

Wee-One Weirdos Weekends

Well it's the weekend, and you know what that means!

What if God was one of us... and worked at a coffee shop?

A mom and her young boy (maybe 7 or 8) stand at the bar of my coffee shop placing their orders. When I hand the little guy his blueberry italian cream soda with whipped cream on top, his eyes light up as he snatches it from my hands. The mother, seeing an opportunity for a lesson in politeness asks him "What do you say?" In a grandiose fashion he replies "Thank you GOD!"

Sipping delightedly on his soda, the boy and left the store with his mom.

-overheard in st. james


Thanks to Erica for the contribution

...and what does this "Dec" part mean?

Passenger: What Bus is this?
Bus Driver: The 66.
Passenger: It's supposed to be the 29! Why did you give me this transfer that says 29?
Bus Driver: It's the 29th.

overheard on the 66